What You Said

What You Said

I have always thought
That what I touch I can have

Being lovers meant we could feel
each other’s flesh without permission.

Being separate was different
from alone. You said I had the face

of an angel, but I know
there are angels better than me.

I thought what made me separate
was the way I could see smoke rising

from a lamp—if looked long enough
I could see your right hip, the bone

pronounced in the light. I move
in a room I have made less

and less comfortable. I’ve taken
the curtains down to try and make

sense of what you said about wanting,
having and losing—all the same thing.

You said it was because of time
that we feel them in different stages.

Is this time too slow?
If I touch my calf right now, notice

The true color of my skin, lift my hand,
Is it all the same moment?

If I see myself in the window,
What have I lost?
--Mary Cross

這首詩是我的指導教授 Mary 在1990年出版, 我認同: 詩是無法翻譯, 當你讀翻譯時, 其實你也一起讀進了譯者的生活體驗, 這裡我想說說,我透過這首詩看到的風景—
你說過, 我總是在想, 我可以感覺到我擁有的, 我們在一起的時候, 不需要任何話語,就可以感受到真實的彼此, 2個人分開不代表能回到一個人的時候, 你說, 我有一顆善良的心, 而我知道, 在你身邊有許多比我善良的人, 我靜靜看著桌上的燈, 在光影中看到你 , 聽到你, 我住進一間越來越難過的房間, 我拉開窗簾, 試著了解你說過的, 曾經有過的渴望, 擁有, 失去, 其實都是一樣的, 你說, 因為時間讓我們不一樣了, 是我的時間太慢, 如果我再試著找回對你真實的感受, 對你伸出手, 我們能再回到當初嗎? 如果我看見窗子反射的自己, 那我到底失去了什麼

我想, 我的老師如果懂中文, 她一定會跳過窗來澄清, 這首詩應該有更多解釋想像空間, 我特別喜歡這段,”Is this time too slow? If I touch my calf right now, notice the true color of my skin, lift my hand, Is it all the same moment?” 就已經 “too slow”了, 你才 開始 “touch”…….. 就算你急得說了 “ right now”, 然後才 “notice” …….最後” lift “ , 緊張地舉高你的手, 太慢了, 再也招不回那已經走的遠遠的愛人背影 （所以, 注意英文裡的動詞, 不只說明動作, 還有隱藏的時間線索 )

If I see myself in the window, what have I lost? 最後這句, 漂亮的結束, 我實在翻不出來, 就像我很難描述玉山的日出有多美, 非得親自走一趟, 才能體會經過長途跋涉, 歷經等待, 日出的那一刻, 才會想哭…..以前我的國中英文老師要我很快背一篇課文, 快快爬上山頂, 我的詩人老師總是要我停下來, 想想這個字, 看看路邊的風景, 學另一種語言, 其實是多一種觀看世界的角度, 多一種面對生活的態度, 如果還沒感受到不同的風景, 別急, 專心腳步, 堅持往前走, 我的老師是這麼說的, 繼續往前走！